April 19, 2018

If the Army wanted you to have a wife, they would’ve issued you one.

If you’ve been a military spouse for more than 8 minutes, you’ve heard the above quote. I don’t know who said it first (likely a grumpy, old bachelor), but I can say with certainty it rings loud and clear. My go-to response has always been, “Yeah, too bad they can’t afford me.” Which is true and fine with me so long as I can work to make up for the things (material and immaterial) the Army can’t give me. For the most part, my little plan to be a full-time nurse and full-time army wife works okay. For the most part…

A little background: about 2 months ago I quit my job working in an ER at a large hospital south of where I lived. My husband, Fox (name changed to protect his innocence) and I were moving further north and the commute was just becoming too much. I took about a month “off” to sort, sell, donate, pack and move all our earthly possessions from one home to the next. Mostly by myself. With two small children who were more than happy to unpack as I packed. NBD.

Conceited though it may sound, I really wasn’t too worried about getting a new job. Nurses are always in demand, right? Right. Except that I apparently forgot that I am a military spouse, which adds about 168 additional hurdles to finding employment. Case in point: Fox is scheduled to go away for some extended training this summer which means I’ll be playing the single parent game for a while (is it even possible to win at that game?). And unfortunately, our childcare arrangement does not allow me to work the 12-hour shifts to which I am accustomed without a second parent around. So, my only options are to either find a short-term contract job that I can start and finish by the time Fox leaves or take a job with shorter shifts. Both of which can be incredibly difficult to find on such a short notice.

Long story short, I have been working with recruiters and sending out applications like someone whose unemployment is about to run out. And I’ve been offered several jobs. Good jobs. Like Johns Hopkins good. But due to my scheduling constraints I have had to turn them all down. Which for a career-driven lady like myself is hard. I am a better person, wife, and mother when I am also able to be a nurse. I put much of my identity into my job and not having one feels like I’ve lost a part of my self and purpose. And that’s not even getting into the resentment towards Fox’s career steamrolling mine. *Deep breath* But that’s a topic for another day. For now, I will let the conversation I had this morning sum up my thoughts and frustrations…

*Representative for Army hospital on the base where Fox works*: “We have a position we would love for you to fill. Do you have any restrictions we should know about?”

Me: Well, my husband is active duty and is being sent away for mandatory training this summer. I can work any time you need me between now and then, but once he’s gone I can only work 8-hour shifts.

Rep: Oh, wow, ok. That’s tough.

Me: Yeah…

Rep: Do you know if he will have to go to any more trainings in the future?

Me: Well, it’s the Army so…

Rep: *laughs nervously*

Me: But he’s not scheduled for any more at this time.

Rep: But that could change?

Me: It’s the Army. It could always change.

Rep: Yeah, I’m sorry, but I just think that situation is going to be too complicated.

Me: You’re telling me.

I mean, when the Army tells you that the Army is making your life too difficult to manage, where do you even go from there? The Navy? No, I have Navy spouse friends and life isn’t any easier for them.

The truth is spouses, simply in our existence, are an inconvenience to the military. Sometimes it’s subtle and others it’s painfully overt, but the feeling that you don’t really belong is always there. It’s something military spouses have been battling since, well, battling began. I myself have been fighting against it for the past 12 years (8 married plus 4 dating) and, because Fox only joined one year before he met me, I will continue for at least another seven. I won’t lie: it is daunting and I sometimes curse my former self for encouraging him to make this his (sorry, our) career. To be honest, I don’t know if it’s worth it or not. But I do know Fox is worth it. And so we will continue to fight together to find where I fit in this unwelcoming home.